Trapped In a Puddle of Me

What the future holds for me is yet to be seen.. a life compiled of the simplest of tasks leaving me composed of nothing short of ignorant.. awake but just barely. Oh how i wish I could just sleep this all away but for me to close my eyes i could miss a chance to see you slip to where you are and not to where i see of you.. nothing in life is perfect but for my own eyes i see a false truth which keeps me trapped in a puddle of me.. never able to lift myself up my life's stuck in quick sand so i'm forever sinking down while i lift those up around me with encouraging words never to expect that back.. i don't expect much of anyone and trust a fourth of you less than a half of you suspects.. I can't be mad.. I can't hate when I see the bullet coming and instead of moving I always seem to sit and take it continually beating myself up for not moving when I knew what the fate was to begin with.. I need you.. I love you so much I'd dodge a bullet for you.. I know in the end it'll just be me and in the end ill still be here trapped legs cemented while i'm pushed over the edge again.. why struggle when i know i can't help myself out of this.. I guess i'm saying that i need help and i don't even need a lot maybe just a how's your day could or would pick me up and im quite sure it should..

Push

I've given you all of me.. every last breath was exhaled for you.. blood shed.. tears dropped and yes I've cried myself to sleep a countless night and worried my thoughts around you.. a mystery you are never have i been caught in such an elegant web you've spun it and now i'm yours.. all i want is your love.. your heart next to my own in my chest or yours, your choice not mine a love divinely lead but i sense a subtle undertone of trickery.. is your heart really with me or do you wish to lead me down a brick of yellow to never wake as i meet the grand wizard.. release your foot from throat.. please don't push nor crush my vocals there all i have to express.. cords strung to play a wondrous tune that your ears will never hear and your eyes will never witness my performance.. you never care yes.. never dare to just listen to me.. you've pushed me here now.. when all i wished for was love i'm left with hate for you and your sex.. a witch will be that no matter how you treat or cover your warts with liquid concealment no wig no act shall fool me again.. i won't be tricked because i'm pushed too far you can't play the suspecting or trick the dog whose learned the trick.. you should've held me.. now its too late to pull me close

Found

Welcome Home!... It rang into my ears... echoing like the great bells of yesteryear but the voice yet so unfamiliar... the face it only showed a subtle promise of resemblance to a face I once knew but nevertheless a mystery to how i became... where am I? why don't I remember who I am... to be continued..

Karma

Is it easy?... to wake each morning, is your conscience not rattled by the hurt you've caused? How.. how can you even stand the look of your own smug face.. each morning you wake, you look at yourself in the mirror... and that smile.. so boastful, in pictures like you have not a care in the world.. well i guess you don't care do you?... Can we switch roles can I take a day in your shoes? I was the same as you once.. leading them on all the while.. "Oh I'm in a relationship". What does that really mean to you? Always so busy.. "Oh I'll hit you when I can" never even thinking to lift a finger and dial those seven... "Oh baby I fell asleep" knowing I didn't give a damn in the first place.. I remember when you cared.. it wasn't that long ago.. you used to actually call and talk to me every once in a while... it hurts when people you could care less about or people I've never met face to face care more about me than you do.. I've hurt you yes.. and you've done the same.. that was supposed to be behind us now but some how i wake with tears.. each dream becomes a nightmare and i can't breathe while im surrounded with these thoughts.. Am I to be punished for the errors of my ways so long ago? why does this feel like revenge? karma back to bestow upon me the same pain... days don't end fast enough and weeks seem like months.. I feel like shit when my remedy is you..

Ignorance

I lie down.. head to pillow... gun to temple, firing off blanks with the clips still full.. my ears ring like a explosion hitting too close for comfort i wake each morning same time, different place, same bed... my life is functional.. don't you agree. I hate it all i'm so positively negative doesn't that make sense? I laugh at death and hate the sight of people smiling... my ear cells are dying a everlasting bombardment to my transformers pillow case.. cute? it's not.. I'm not i hate this all, the way you pucker your lips to kiss me makes my stomach tighten to a vomiting stage of expulsion... ignorance is a thing of the present in mind body and soul now.. how can i feel like a good person when I only wish I was toe tagged in a freezer. My only thoughts revolve around what? any and everything I'm not sure how to make them out but the things that are clear is that nothing in life comes free.. what am i talking about when love does doesn't it? hate does? emotions do? they don't? why not?

S-I-C-K

I look down at my phone and all I see is your face.. but not because your calling, you only do that when you think I'm upset.. well guess what.. yes I am upset, why do I have to push so much harder to get anything out of you when all I do is squeeze my emotions out pouring what I have left onto you because I want you to absolutely know what love is and feels like I don't want you to feel the way he made you but now I wonder if I'm just some object of approval that you truly are that amazing person I met so many years ago... I hate sleeping when I can't hear your voice when I can' see your face I'm so sick now when I've had a clean bill of health my stomach bubbles and I feel my mouth water.. my salivary glands swell as a sudden moisture erupts I can't stand to not have your warmth I have pictures to get me day to day but without you here... what do I have I'll do whatever it takes to have your hand in mine I love you but when you say it.. I just don't know... all these signs I thought were just in my head, you don't call me those names just Stephen.. you never say I love you first or even call or txt.. and now I don't know what to think

No Make Up

your face.. it alone can be the closest to perfection.. your nasal bridge to your philtrum your angle of jaw.. even your silhouette is beautiful but when your at your best is with no make up.. the rarity of seeing beauty in its purest form is remarkable catching your when you wake up.. a glimpse before you lay to sleep.. make up is the act of restoring a timeless masterpiece like the bust of nefertiti herself.. you are what i imagine God thought of when he created beauty.. nothing compares to a woman without make up to be able to see you flaws in the buff your tiniest imperfections make you that much more desirable.. your eyes without liner to your lips without gloss there is nothing better i appreciate your efforts to present yourself in a way that makes you feel beautiful but deep down remember that i love you no matter what and i love you the most with no make up.. to kiss you and leave lip from forehead with the taste of concealer.. but i do love when you kiss me you lips part from my own and i can taste those lips.. every inch of you can't be covered in make up and there isn't an inch of you i love any less than the next..

Take Me With You

Reach out to me.. press your hand to chest and push.. feel your way through my chest and feel my heart.. feel what my love feels like the way i wish you would.. i need you here but since i can't grip those fingers around my core and take it all with you.. it may look damaged but for you i've pieced it together i've had a lot of heartache so its had it up and down days.. i took the time to clear my thoughts and to forgive and get back each piece so i could present this whole to you.. i want you to have it a little piece of me so when your lonely you can hold it close and ill be close to you.. I'm whole now something I couldn't say not to long ago but some how you pulled me back.. I love you for that and ill remain this intact just as long as you love me too.. I'm not one to make a promise that I can't keep and I've promised to you i'd never hurt.. along with that i'll never leave and no matter what your friend is where i began..

Pale Horse

Revelation 6:8 - "And I looked, and behold a pale horse: and his name that sat on him was Death, and Hell followed with him. And power was given unto them over the fourth part of the earth, to kill with sword, and with hunger, and with death, and with the beasts of the earth."

look up at me.. im here for you with eyes to pierce through.. i ride in on her, my girl, my sidekick, my life.. she's pale of course only with the sun blocked out no chance for tan. we've had a long ride and she hungers for more but what she needs no life is spared no soul will endure.

Disturbed/Distorted

with such images distorted.. my eyes can only make sense of what is to be seen.. shrouded in shadows how am i to make anything of this life when my vision itself is distorted..how..why do i always seem to put myself through the same paces when i've learned my lessons time and time again but i always seem to ask those same questions that should be unscathed never brought to life yet i always make this same mistake of doing so.. maybe im insane with the need to always know.. enraged by the thought of being left out of the information circle.. out of the pow wow surrounding the brains wagon but why can't i just be who i was meant to be..i remember when i didnt care but now im such a fucking pussy about life like the head went the wrong direction so now im left with a clit.. im such a bitch now a days never being able to just live.. dont worry about whats all in the background be a man Stephen! and do it now before you drive yourself crazy.. stop thinking about what she's doing, you think she could be happy if she worried as much as you do.. is she playing you? nigga get a life how bout you go out and get yours and dont even worry about if she gettin hers.. 

Gentleman Of The Year/New Reniansance Man

I'd like to start this off by saying this has nothing to do with Ne-Yo but while a few sum of his songs may coincide with this Note.. 

I am.. a gentleman.. one that takes everything one step at a time never will i pressure just pace what may or may not happen with my life and in the traditional sense of courtship. while you may think this is a grand thing I take my role as being the one.. I repeat ONE good male you may ever meet but never the one that will end up with you. Merely a teaching tool a dividing rod to know if you are truly in need of such a romance in your life while in 2008 this has been pushed aside chivalry is not dead for I was raised to be this.. a young southern male raised on the east coast by southern parents hailing from Nashville/Alcoa, TN.. and now since you know where I am coming from I will continue to what my message is to tell and eventually unfold to my dilemma. I am.. the one who wants Marriage to support you and be a father to a child/children not be the male to run out on the responsibilities of the natural cycle of life.. with this fact known it would also mean that i am one not to be opposed to living a married life which in this day and age is why a gentleman will never prevail.. I am destined to be the one who wants to "wife" but never the one in your life.. there is nothing perfect about me and I will be the first to point out my own flaw and mistakes that I've made in life to which that list is quite extensive.. I.. Am.. a male that will just be your friend the perfect person to in a way test you to find the one soul mate you need and for those wondering what this means.. because I have said this more than once.. meaning that you can't play someone who knows that it is coming I expect to be played because each "relationship" that i have be the additional piece to i have been played in.. about.. 85-90% meaning that to date only 2 girls have not played me for whatever reason but after me there was always the modern male to swoop down and be the super man in life but never a man of steel just a male to be the stereotype of the one who will fuss..fight.. cheat and cuss but that is always the male that will be chosen right because you just love him so much.. its ok.. and on Oct. 9th 2008 i am saying that this is fine.. i've played the fool but will never play it again because me.. im a gentleman i won't be bitter or fight what has befallen me.. im like Good Luck Chuck.. Hitch.. or the Match Maker.. I'm just.. Me..

Stillborn

a pain.. forever stricken with this crushing of organs.. squeezed to expel all energy from limbs.. those attached to a already so lifeless body.. a corpse born.. maybe.. no thoughts.. just blank eyes.. you cant sink a boat without bottom you know? nor kill what is not alive. my heart could never beat.. my lungs never expand.. i cannot suffocate so my heart cannot collapse.. lifeless i lay this pain will not surrender its ongoing onslaught on whats left. was i ever born or am i still in womb.. eyes yet to open but someone cut the cord.. light shines through delicate lids and i feel the air though lungs they travel.. but my heart will not beat so this failure just begins.. the intravenous therapy tapped to sustain me.. in arm paddles to chest i hear the scream.."Clear!" the jolts surge but... flat line nothing.. they cannot reach me here.. 9 months she carried... no complications never a struggle not one.. but i was the one not ready for reality so my life was never to begin.. i am stillborn at 20 not ready for what must always pained.. never breathing still surprised by the smallest detail.. never won always lost a hare in the race against tortoises.. i rushed through.. now i lay ever daydreaming.. wondering where did it all begin.. so i close my eyes to sleep.. maybe one day it'll all make sense.. maybe and never

I'm here to save you

I may not be impervious to flame or be able to leap tall building in a single bound.. able to heal in seconds or even walk through walls.. but never the less.. I am a Hero.. and I'm here to save you.. I have only my 2 hands none extra.. I may be a mere build of an unimpressive 6 feet 167 pounds.. but I still have power.. the same way you have power.. the power to control a situation the power to change a life with words of encouragement and inspiration.. the way a loved one has the power to completely change a mood with just a look or even a gentle touch.. we all can do something to change a life..

Talk to me... God.

As I lay me down to sleep I pray to God my soul I keep, and if I should Die before I wake I pray to God my soul he take.. I lay.. each not without a wink or glimpse of a break for slumber for my brain rattles and wracks itself for some proposal of what is to become of this life I was given. I wonder with every sin I commit I pray for forgiveness and try to outweigh those bad doings with a overwhelming amount of good.. I do not see myself as an entirely great person but i do my best to change my life and those around me for the best.. a positive way to think while this life around me seems to do nothing but crumble.. so I ask.. will you just talk to me.. tell me what it is that I am to do my lord and what direction must I take to move towards my true destiny.. I do not wish to believe that you do not care I have lead a life of many flaws.. and I believe that you died on the cross for my sins and rose again on the third, I have the faith of a mustard seed but all that still dwindles a bit in the wake of what life shows me on a day to day basis I remain true with a relationship with you I know my gift is this.. a gift to think outside the box and to allow my words to express mine own thoughts I am a child of yours and I ask you please.. Will you talk to me.. I beg of you to just show me direction lead me through this low time and give me the strength to go on..

Emotional Humiliation

i saw you, you crept into my arms one day assuring me that this moment would never pass.. i let you in and vowed to never tell this tale again but once more i sit face buried in palm.. see the problem is that i was a shell of a man better yet a hell of a man a young one set to code of life and never would i include our love and categorize with strife.. thats just not me. i included you in daily routines never dismissed a back burner was for my friends i loved you and on me you could depend but then you made that mistake of my kindness for a flaw.. my initial way of going about this.. all erased once you came into this, never would i let my guard down, never have i been turned around by a pretty face, yea her hips swayed the shirt fell right nice above the navel and the jeans hit the curves like a car speeding down a winding canyon road..damn why couldn't i see it.. the tricks began the day we first met you knew who i was but i only knew your name so thats how it started that game you had the end in sight when i was thinking of a new start you already had a head one on me.. i started when the gun fired but when i realized what i had gotten myself into you were already at the finish.. you took a lot from me.. and i wont even talk about how i was left alone on valentines day gave you my candy heart and you said how much you loved the thought of a first real date but when you called me.. ha.. sick ok.. but when i saw you, you didn't look to opposed to sharing those.. i was so naive i even gave you the benefit asked you first your response was oh i felt better so i went out with the girls.. well if he was a girl then how the hell can i ever be your man? you laughed at my feelings like i was just to put on a show for your entertainment some powder make-up and a bright nose as well then? so now im left alone lost in what you've left me a clown with fake tears drawn to face.. no baby i can't be that.. too bad my emotional humiliation has already set in..

percentage.

Life's funny that way.. how it always seems to pick out one person whose been stuck with a tragic heart and continue to release the hounds upon whats left of my vital organs.. why cant you just open up to me? if you want to make this work you have to let me in.. let you love me huh? i've heard that one before.. If you can't talk to anyone else you should be able to talk to me.. how do you expect this to work if you won't just talk? I've heard that one too.. this may sound familiar because i have no doubt that more than one of you reading this have either said or heard these exact lines.. and when i open up my past revealed letting you know how others have hurt.. and why i no long wear my hear on my my short sleeve graphic tees...soak that in will you.. naw.. never because that would mean respecting me and why should you have respect for someone you claim to love.. treating me with a little more feeling.. you know whats worse.. its always you who throws those "feelings" blindly into my already burning existence of emotional turmoil.. I love you. do you now? thats because if you remember ive heard this all before, oh right you didnt keep that mental note.. why hard press something so vital.. and after each piece of me left with you each and every one of you.. i can only break my heart down into percentages.. like my very own bodily pie chart of who took what and when.. you'd think by now i'd be a little bitter.. haha you don't know the half..expected to let go.. its life.. unpredictable.. im sorry.. dont compare me.. yea well you're the same taking a little more of me than expected i shut you out because thats my only defense.. boxed up chained up lock and key surrounded by an impenetrable force, my very own sci fi force field no photon torpedo's getting through this.. always thought i was so damn tough but for some reason you.. my weakness some how got through.. i would be wrong to name those who have left with a piece of me.. unexplained just packed up and left to drift a way in the distance.. me.. left balled up like a used piece of paper to which you would've initially written that "Dear John," letter... but.. no.. I'm not that low.. yet..

Rainy Days

It's not funny but I laugh more now-a-days.. my smile was taken I struggle just to fake a smirk crack the subtle crease of my own lips and try and reveal the last remnants i used to consider a life of stability.. sanity.. i've lost its warmth.. i stray to a darker place left with no sun rises, no more will i weep these memories they play constantly as though left running repeatedly, extraction.. all i have left to go.. remove the stress those who pushed me here must go.. i've pushed away as many as i can and pushed those i've loved back into the arms of the place that they will never prevail.. losing me.. im lost so never could another do to me what was done so long ago.. regret this.. never will you because you never loved to begin with.. I remain alone to protect those from the same fate that was bestowed upon me so viciously there was no remorse for me no brace for immediate departure just collision.. now the rain falls and my bones hurt.. my muscles ache but my nerves.. they don't react to the impact of tightly compressed water vapor heavy enough to fall back to earths surface. I remain persistent in one thing.. forever heartbroken i return to my core.. born this way to crawl back inside of me, emotionless i don't fear these rainy days how can i be depressed.. i remain heavily drugged a chemical induced emotional coma so nothing can get to me never penetrated by those words of I love you.. i will never believe you never trust you.. truth? sincerity in action.. utterance to whom? the eye of what beholder? i have no assured reliance on character no dependence.. you will never be to me who i am to you and i know this now.. you were my object of attachment..devotion..admiration but to you i was just that sexual embrace see you got the definition wrong and now these rainy days you hate.. you've lost me for good this time never to feel what dedication feels like commitment you have way for something that may have looked better but better in what sense.. you so easily romanticized blinded by the glitz the poems of love pressed against your own. forever out shined so how was i ever to believe i could come close so once again it rains.. life hits.. reality comes back to haunt and you leave again.. these rainy days they don't hurt so much anymore..

Release

i struggle to clear mind of constant images ever passing through my cerebral cortex.. as if my brain over flows with the reserve compartments of passed memories.. if only i could release.. take time to empty and sort.. throw away the bad and keep whats vital to me within.. i lose sleep, day after day.. i wake from swollen temples my thoughts pushing me to shake from slumbers sweet embrace. As i lay me down to sleep flip to the cooler side of the pillow and rest my face upon it i cant help but know that my sleep will be interrupted by both sporadic and periodic with each eye closed a sudden barrage of moving images whirl about like a movie played on fast forward and i can't find the remote.. why can't i control why can't i release..

Love Me.

There is no extent to me.. no point in which you can throw a pebble off my edge. No cliffs.. No broken canyon.. No narrow divide, immeasurable, undeniable, my emotions alone sum up to infinity more than twice and with each day of happiness I only grow in love.. You are what I’ve searched.. a locked eyed, on bended knee prayer away and you came to me like a dream in the nights air.. a winged creature come to carry me off an angel in your own respect. Unlike so many others.. flawed as we all are.. but in my eyes you are perfection.. I’ve held you once.. you were mine to keep and my mistake left you earth bound.. So I ran.. afraid of you.. of what I had done.. could my mistake never be undone.. could I never be where I need to be.. am I truly enough for you.. night after night I’ve contemplated.. fought with myself knowing that my life would never be complete again without you in my life so I did what was necessary to earn your love.. your trust in me that I shall never hurt you again..

Hurting..

Bury all your secrets in my skin... come away with innocence... and leave me with my sins... the air around me still feels like a cage.. and love is just a camouflage... for what resembles rage again. So if you love me let me go... and run away before I know... my heart is just too dark to care... I cant destroy what isn't there... deliver me into my fate... if I'm alone I cannot hate... I don't deserve to have you... my smile was taken long ago... if I can change I hope I never know. I still press your letters to my lips... and cherish them in parts of me that savor every kiss... I couldn't face a life without your light... but all of that was ripped apart...when you refused to fight. So save your breath I will not hear I think I made it very clear you couldn't hate enough to love is that supposed to be enough? I only wish you weren't my friend then I could hurt you in the end I never claimed to be a saint my hope was banished long ago it took the death of hope to let you go. so break yourself against my stones and spit your pity in my soul you never needed any help you sold me out to save yourself and I wont listen to your shame you ran away you're all the same angels lie to keep control my love was punished long ago if you still care, don't ever let me know..

If you still care, don't ever let me know

Lifeless..

taken me some time to write this.. so bare with me..

It's been a while since i've felt this way but some how you've brought upon the best in me to feel as if there was no test to me that i could not accomplish.. with you i felt the urge to live to not give in to the sadness.. happiness.. a smile that could never be stretched across my face somehow you brought that to me.. confidence that i could do this and be what i knew i was all along.. i considered myself a bad person never caring too much what you people thought but you saw me for who i was and for you ill give him away.. no longer will i be Jaden.. he was too angry to moody and never knew what it was that lied beneath.. beneath it all there was still just me.. just Stephen to become who i am today.. you helped me.. loved me and for that i could never repay you but to you i promise my heart so whole.. i searched for myself and found who it was you so arguably told me i was.. i am just Stephen i can never be them and never be Jaden again.. a poet, a lover, a friend, a brother and a son to God along with my parents.. so knowing you've changed me will you truly just abandon me or is saying i can't just be your friend be too much.. i won't come in second or third or forth because i've let you in and made you my number one.. we fought it out a summer not wasted we accomplished what we set out to do.. you said you loved me and i doubted you clearly but inside i felt you didn't believe.. i got rid of my burdens no bags to this occasion just me to be there with you.. we can make it together but alone i fear i will only.. drift back, away so slow to where you found me.. i'm so lost unable to find myself but how when i am the map.. such a blind navigation but you came and brought that light to reach the next tunnel of life.. i've laid up waiting in sleepless insanity in the back of my mind knowing you weren't still here.. you left me i know.. but a piece of me you've taken because finding my heart was something you did.. that heart is now yours to me you can never return and after you if not you.. i will only be Jaden.. none will feel my warmth my bodies unnatural heat and a blistering cold is where ill remain.. after you there will be none and if this is the end.. the end of Stephen goes with you.. i love you i'm sorry i couldn't be enough.. i never thought i wouldn't be what you wanted and even our first meeting i wanted you only but if he is truly that great then how can i compare.. just know that i love you and leaving a love that you've found for me then a mistake was made and to you your happiness might never come back.. you've hurt me.. taken my beating core and now i'm left just lifeless..

Change

When life give you lemons, make lemonade.. but what if I’ve developed an irritation to sugar? That leaves no way for me to make lemonade.  The so-called sugar substitutes don’t get the job done even splenda doesn’t do such a splendid job.. So where does that leave me.. the world itself is crashing down around me while I fell  I’ve finally gotten my self on course, but it seems as if the devil’s just trying to hijack my life and crash land me. I have faith and yes I’ve witnessed that prayer works but what is wrong that our prayers go unanswered.. I need you now more than ever but somehow my prayers fall short of the clouds above. Luke 17:6 says we should have the faith of a mustard seed but what do we do once we’ve begun to find ourselves without result.. 

 

I’ve kept my head bent, faced down the passing earth beneath my own two feet watching it swiftly pass with every step that hits unholy pavement. I’ve shielded my eyes from the harsh realities and tried to avoid each days brutal messages that we will not make it past tomorrow. Many days I’d rather look up at the suns violent rays to burn these fragile retina’s then to look straight ahead because it always seemed as if there was nothing out there for me. I’ve cried myself to sleep each night to release my pain only to wake to a new dose. Imagine waking to a tear soaked pillow morning after morning, cold sweat and heaving breathing added to this mixture, to wake another day with no accomplishments. So how does it feel to know that you’ve done nothing to better yourself and in the eyes of all others you are nothing more than a failure..

 

Many of you wouldn’t know it if it hit you but this is the reality in this statistical world we live in.. from birth a black male is just another to add to the prison systems.  But in 2008 we’ve received someone to look up to even more.. We’ve had our Martin Luther King’s, Malcolm X’s, Thurgood Marshall’s, and George Washington Carver’s.. yet somewhere we’ve still gone only noticed by our belligerent ways and not by the dreams we’ve set out to achieve. A man named Barack Hussein Obama decided to step up to this plate after victory in the U.S Senate in Nov. of 04 with over 70% of the vote he then knew his purpose. Shortly after he announced his presidential campaign to the world in Feb. of 07 where he emphasized withdrawing our troops from Iraq, energy independence as well as promoting universal health care.  His campaign slogan alone “Change we can believe in” is one that imprints a bit of hope in your hearts and minds that this may not be it for us.

 

This are my thoughts alone I feel that we need a president that can make a difference I’m not waiting for him to win this race because a change has already been made in America I won’t put all my hope in him to become some holier than thou savior for the urban community because it just doesn’t work like that. We just need the encouragement and influence to become more and he came in at the right time. I see now with my eyes open wherein years before I only saw where lies continued. I have the confidence in my family and in myself that this is no where close to the end and that I can make a change of my own if only I try, and try is what I wont stop at I will do something that matters in my life because I’ve gone so long with just getting by..

 

I pray that the patience needed becomes bestowed upon all that need it, a level mind be imprinted so that we can all see a little more clearly.. rain falls in a cycle to cool the heat and wash away the dirt and grime and like nature our own lives come with season’s of there own. Its up to us to know when to kick that prayer into high gear and know that we can accomplish whatever we set our minds to, that we are Gods people and in his favor. The devil strikes at you knowing that he doesn’t have you so the temptations seem greater than those who just do as they please but we stand in the light we radiate his love off of us and that angers the devil so he attacks. Be strong people this is only a season and we can make it.. don’t separate just yet ban together and make a lasting bond stronger than we have before.. we can make a stand.. we can make a difference.. we can make a change.. 

Mistakes

How many mistakes must one make before the lesson is learned? I’ve asked myself this very question since I could first decipher a logical thought. Life itself is a teacher and we the students are forever trapped behind the four walls of its... In a sense.. School. So if the lesson plan is everlasting when do we graduate to higher education? Never, and with that known how long will you sit complaining about the mistakes you’ve made knowing that only another lesson is to come. For those who are lost by now, this means that a mistake is a tool to teach. We make them throughout our lives to brace us for the next. And with each lesson there are consequences both positive and negative. With every action there is a reaction, you know the whole cause and effect clause we’ve all learned Newton’s law. The only way to avoid making the same mistake is to learn from it the first time. This may seem like a easy rule to follow.. Well unless of course you’re psychotic. Which in that case you would have an excuse. But for all others it may take you two or three times. But for me I’m a little in the middle I’ve learned plenty of lessons but like to test shark infested waters with a cut on the very tip of my toe.. You know to get the senses going.  I know better and I was brought up with the mind set that if I wanted it I would have it. But for some reason there was always one thing that I couldn’t quite grasp. It was this thing.. Cherished by so many but to me I just didn’t get it. I saw what I thought was it but then it would change to something a bit more sinister. I lost sleep over it and quite frankly I still do lose a wink or three. It’s called a dream. I’ve had them yes but for ever dream there will be a nightmare and while with some this sleep cycle will offer the good with the bad. My mind didn’t get that memo when I was born so I have a mental overload of the bad and what a fright it is. Each dream I’ve had I could be someone else, somewhere else not this life of mine (not that I can complain much my life is better than many). But where my dreams would falter was where the mistakes come in. Example one.. In a dream you can be anything. Mistake one. In reality this just doesn’t work too well. Consequence one.. my nightmares became my reality once I forgot that all dreams are ones to accomplish and most are just a mental block from reality to escape the pains of life. So what is my lesson? To escape my nightmare by any means necessary. Secondary lesson is to learn how. This is the tricky part but bare with me. If you live but never really have your eyes open then what are you exactly? A sleepwalker I’ve been that the majority of my life passing through on the jet stream successes of others and the hand outs from the rest. So what I’ve recently learned was.. to just wake up. Tell my mind to be still for the dreams were getting overcrowded as I was constantly asleep just living but never letting these dreams out. The years of pent up bliss and happiness and somehow in 2008 they finally get to roam. I’ve learned to deal with what I am, who I am the nightmares are gone living a half life asleep at the wheel watching my mouth move but never being able to control what came out. That time is over twenty years have passed and my mistakes may out weigh my accomplishments but I make my stand to change that for my next forty, fifty, sixty years will be spent living for what life is. Where I can’t take back my mistake I can learn from them.. because that’s why we make them right?

Media Comparison... Can I?

I never thought i'd say this again, write this again, but as many attempts i'd failed but here i am again.. i've struggled in thinking this, writing this, and many times ive just Ctrl+Alt Deleted this, but once again its just me, just us that i think of my very alice trapped in a wanderland (Kelis), but always there when im feeling illmatic (NaS) ,afraid to fall dangerously in love (beyonce'), and ive never given you reasonable doubt (Jay-Z). 

What i thought we had was true love and ive hesitated to write this but again i do. Do you know what my feelings for you are.. purer than the purest water a purifier could ever create out of tap.. with you my thoughts never began to just.. but to attach a ring to the finger beside your pinky to fill the air with the sound of bells you dressed in all white make-up smeared down your beautiful face for the day God had given was your special day.. there's something about you that my mind could never shake never could my eye's produce another face but yours.. i look deep into myself and i feel whole and when i look in the mirror the lies ive told myself are getting old i can't love.. LIES ive told.. i love you and that will never get old, from years that've passed the feeling only increased only got stronger through the turmoil and the pain that i put you through i would understand you leaving this is impossible.. but to you im asking for a chance not to be yours, no commitment but to a chance to remember me when your out, need that comfort im but a phone call away.. if you want me to come visit im but a key, ignition, and foot pressed against accelerator.. im asking you to not just let the memories of us just fade away remember the time we shared the late nights we stayed up listening to one another breathe afraid that pushing that end button would end more.. in the morning a quick txt "good morning love" was all i need thoughts that all that we'd shared was true.. why can't i shake myself of you.. i wish i knew but im in no rush to remove my thoughts from you.. God brought us this far so lets prove to him and everyone else that what we had/have is still true.. i love you

Red or Blue Pill

life is strange now
its like im stuck in the matrix
constantly duckin an dodgin them agents
till i lose my patience
can i jus erase this
or will it all just cause a disturbance
can they sense my presence
they think i am but im not the one
but why not when i shine bright as the sun
my potential is limitless
all strength no weakness
one fear to fail
damn now im not feelin to well
is this height to great
will this decision seal my fate
no try, try again
theres only now or never
so when u think
its only heaven or hell
now u not so cleaver
float with clouds or be thrown in a well
but me i control my destiny
everything thrown just a test to me
cut the strings
so i cant be pulled
i have but one gippetto 
cant tell one lie
cuz my nose might grow
u always wanted to be a real boy
but im not pinocchio
im not too new to town
just late putting my feet on the ground
now im back on track
aint no one pullin me down
i got my own free will
or is it my will to bend
the will to choose
how my story ends
red or blue pill
do you want the truth
whats the purpose in life
do u foreal want proof
is it wife and kids
or spend ur life makin kids
7 baby mamas
yea its ur grave u dig
why lead a sinfilled life
on satans side
only to his games youll bind
to wake to nothingness
is the fate youll find
so choose that pill wisely
will you be a machine of the darkness
or a soldier for zion 

Used & Abused

What should I do when my tears no longer fall down this weather beaten face.. When my heart stops.. and my blood no longer flows.. how do I find the gall to speak with no air to travel through these withered lungs.. im suffocating with a respirator on.. maintained life but only here to sustain for what purpose? why help the unwilling to live when i myself no longer see my own reasoning.. i understand nothing and everything with my eyes wide open i remain here for the purpose of accomplishment a destiny still unfulfilled my my life and reason for living is only to achieve this and only this.. I live a purpose driven life not one rendered by the hands of the damned it is my life used to influence those around me negative or good I live to change I speak to let those unwilling have a voice through me a vessel for the weak or frail.
I am used for a reason but the reason you've used me is not my purpose of life..

Wonder Why?

You wonder why i don't express my so called feelings.. but emotions are worth more than just something to sprinkle around like a seed to be planted or why i run away from a so called "good thing"? My life.. a difficult one caught a little between heaven and hell since birth with a piece of both embedded within. you tell me "baby trust" and "I'm not like other girls" but what if i listed the names of those who made the same claims to in the end get me where they want for a month of sundays if not a bit longer but when that sun sets.. and i look at the horizon then back to you.. i see bags and your back with no explanation but all fingers pointed at me. see society shows the male being the one to sit back. scavenge and prey on young woman but there are those of us just waiting for the right woman to search for them.. for me.. what about the other predators in life's field? those hurt young woman whose hearts have been grasped and crushed by those who only want relations the ones who somehow are all that this world sees and glorifies to be what young men should aspire to become.. but why?! i have lost a lot and made my peace and apologized for each time i slipped i am only human and i make mistakes but should my clout and integrity be judged for those slippery paths? so if you know me and wonder why my hearts still broken and my heads hung so low think back at a time.. where i used to be and dont just wonder try and open yours arms wra your arms tights because im still hurt..

My Heart...

As my heart lay there dangling from the once proud pedestal i call my chest.. with the superior vena cava and aortic arch severed there is now nothing attaching me to this.. "thing" but time itself.. ripped from my chest, still beating feeling the blood struggle to flow through my left and right ventricle unaware it is no longer my own but it struggles to survive long after me.. i separate myself from it to lose emotion for with these arteries still intact i may fall victim once more to the words of the sweetest of lips slowly persuading me to open my... but how i once wore my heart on my sleeve will i ever again or how can i without a heart at all.. you want my heart ill give it to you, yours to keep but not with me attached i'm better than that i refuse to let myself be led astray the way adam fell for eve.. the serpent is to blame for humanities faults for he knew that the power of woman was strong enough to change an entire race God let this happen as a test.. all the greatest conquerers, adventurers, all brought to there knees and ended by this power so why should i? why would i knowing where my fate lies.. why i ask myself.. because without woman there would be no man.. my mother birthed me raised and took care of me despite the help or lack there of from a fathers hand.. without woman this world this existence would cease and peace would be only a dream never a reality.. you see with woman leading our great men, beside our great men and us beside great women we can change this world from the lonely rock it is and move onward to achieve these dreams one at a time.. so i chose to let my guard down to find a woman to hold my heart within her safe the way she holds my rib within.. i search for a soul mate to be my wonder woman my leather clad savior when times get rough.. she will save me.. i will love her.. so take my heart i need you to need it.. to want it and to treat it how i could never.. show me the love i could never.. and i will return it 10x and be your knight in shining armor.. your man of steel.. you everything.. if you'd just have my heart..

Just a Male...

You may see me as just a male.. The reminisce of a soulless shell whom none can fill.. I’m not hollowed out and I feel pain I don’t fake tough I expose my faults, mistakes, flaws and all and for me to sit here and say that everything is alright would be the largest of lies. So to you I won’t hold this back I sense there is more than just a subtle disturbance in the force and the problem in my life has begun with you. By now you think I may be contradicting myself by appearing to come off a bit more heartless than I suggest. You are my problem but not one in which I do not accept my problem is that I love and my words counteract my actions for when I write it I show it resulting in.. You guessed it.. Me doing it. But that’s where the real hurt begins for me I can smother you with the glorious words from which my vocabulary can muster to celebrate my love for you but do you deserve that from me? I throw my love at you like a angry child throwing a temper tantrum but why? Because you don’t love me.. You may love the way I talk to you and the things I can do but the problem is.. You don’t love me. You say what you want to defend your emotions but the feelings you’ve shaved off me like years wasted away withered to the floor like the skin peeled off a potato and you still expect me to try at this.. I understand that your hurt and that love you once had has be spread to thin across the hearts of the undeserving.. They hurt you not I but who is the one to feel the wrath of the loveless woman? I am.. I admit I’ve lost love and loved lost causes but I love you with the fragmented blur of what I once called my heart but one thing I do not do is bring baggage. It’s unfair. It’s not fair. Life’s not fair.. why can’t you love me? Because I’m not capable of loving either. I now know that.

The Journey..

I Believe that i was born with a purpose the destiny to change the lives of everyone i meet if it may be in a positive or negative light the change itself is key. When darkness holds you at peace like the warmth of your mothers arms slowly rocking you into that sleepless insanity, No dream nor nightmare the existence will never enslave my hopes and goals they are those of vision, I no longer yearn for the bittersweet taste of eternal darkness, i sit here constantly decieving ever telling tales always lying pulling that cloth over your eyes and never letting you see the real me you see im not who you see me as im not hard nor tough im emotional and weak a sheep like the rest but i can talk tough like the best im a sheep in wolves clothing letting you only see what i wish you to see but never in the end letting you see the real me but today im taking off my skin revealing the real me and showing you my true face and bareing my soul pour the black blood from these veins or the lack there of im calling on his name the almighty the man above for i know hes been watching and knew i would pick this path but let me choose to see my journey as it comes to its end ive spent to much time but wasted the time i didnt have to spend but its not too late because i know i can call on him to help me through and to help my story begin so im saying this im a sheep in wolves clothing but a wolf no more today is where that ends and my real life begins..

I have to...

I have to…

Why is my life any more valuable than those of the slain? The streets… this is the 2^nd coming of sorts. The dark ages revamped and remixed for the 21^st century… lonely times bodies line blocks covered with white sheets on black tar soaked in blood sweat and tears of those who weep… wet cheeks of those who cry but how long will the R.I.P shirts go worn when another shattered body is laid down to rest almost daily? The majority of dreams fall short, pushed back, slowed then finally halted in the graves of every major city in the US… and what makes my dreams any more potent or protected? Why should I prevail where so many others failed? Because they didn’t make it so I must I wont be another statistic to fall face down body riddled with piercing words stuck to the pavement.

 

I was born, called and answered… since the womb prepped to achieve, Me = blessed… talented the ability to express where others struggle to just barely let lungs compress and expand resulting in the cause and effect of exhale and inhalation which we call breath… Never will I let any trip, stall, or hold me down he built me up from clay and breathed life so that I could have the free will to be who I am every life given the choice separating humanity from animals despite the recent belief that blacks were lower than the molecular composition of the canine genes we have evolved and battled to reverse the views of this world by leaps and bounds with our own contributions to history as well as in 2008 with the first black presidential candidate and lord willing the first African American president in November.

 

 I myself have strikes again me in society as a black male under 25 where this economy is faltering to a rumored recession I will make that my strength I refuse to be a modern day slave working 50 years for a fraction of the revenue net worth of some billion dollar company ran by old money white collars. I am determined for greatness to achieve it. It took time for the sun to pierce my lids and my mind cleared of the constant failure fed to me that I will never become anything that I wasn’t focused enough my attention span too short if I didn’t want to then I wouldn’t do. I am thirsty now parched for life and the only way I will achieve is to get it myself my first milestone accomplished I made it passed 18.

 

I thank every teacher who said I had potential and even more those who said I won’t ever result to anything. I thank my parents for pushing me for never giving up for the times where I said I didn’t care, why try? When all my life seemed to be a struggle but look how much I’ve already accomplished… I thank my siblings for setting examples to Jasmin for being there for me every step of the way my partner in crime… 20 years later we’re still here, always keeping me level uplifting me and encouraging me that I can do it I’m not there pop it but I’m on my way.. to my friends you know your names no need to shout out your already tagged… and a special thanks to the doubters, haters, nay sayers... Without you I wouldn’t be as strong as I am today… So why will I achieve? Because I have to…