Monday, October 13, 2008

Trapped In a Puddle of Me

What the future holds for me is yet to be seen.. a life compiled of the simplest of tasks leaving me composed of nothing short of ignorant.. awake but just barely. Oh how i wish I could just sleep this all away but for me to close my eyes i could miss a chance to see you slip to where you are and not to where i see of you.. nothing in life is perfect but for my own eyes i see a false truth which keeps me trapped in a puddle of me.. never able to lift myself up my life's stuck in quick sand so i'm forever sinking down while i lift those up around me with encouraging words never to expect that back.. i don't expect much of anyone and trust a fourth of you less than a half of you suspects.. I can't be mad.. I can't hate when I see the bullet coming and instead of moving I always seem to sit and take it continually beating myself up for not moving when I knew what the fate was to begin with.. I need you.. I love you so much I'd dodge a bullet for you.. I know in the end it'll just be me and in the end ill still be here trapped legs cemented while i'm pushed over the edge again.. why struggle when i know i can't help myself out of this.. I guess i'm saying that i need help and i don't even need a lot maybe just a how's your day could or would pick me up and im quite sure it should..


I've given you all of me.. every last breath was exhaled for you.. blood shed.. tears dropped and yes I've cried myself to sleep a countless night and worried my thoughts around you.. a mystery you are never have i been caught in such an elegant web you've spun it and now i'm yours.. all i want is your love.. your heart next to my own in my chest or yours, your choice not mine a love divinely lead but i sense a subtle undertone of trickery.. is your heart really with me or do you wish to lead me down a brick of yellow to never wake as i meet the grand wizard.. release your foot from throat.. please don't push nor crush my vocals there all i have to express.. cords strung to play a wondrous tune that your ears will never hear and your eyes will never witness my performance.. you never care yes.. never dare to just listen to me.. you've pushed me here now.. when all i wished for was love i'm left with hate for you and your sex.. a witch will be that no matter how you treat or cover your warts with liquid concealment no wig no act shall fool me again.. i won't be tricked because i'm pushed too far you can't play the suspecting or trick the dog whose learned the trick.. you should've held me.. now its too late to pull me close

Thursday, October 9, 2008


Welcome Home!... It rang into my ears... echoing like the great bells of yesteryear but the voice yet so unfamiliar... the face it only showed a subtle promise of resemblance to a face I once knew but nevertheless a mystery to how i became... where am I? why don't I remember who I am... to be continued..


Is it easy?... to wake each morning, is your conscience not rattled by the hurt you've caused? How.. how can you even stand the look of your own smug face.. each morning you wake, you look at yourself in the mirror... and that smile.. so boastful, in pictures like you have not a care in the world.. well i guess you don't care do you?... Can we switch roles can I take a day in your shoes? I was the same as you once.. leading them on all the while.. "Oh I'm in a relationship". What does that really mean to you? Always so busy.. "Oh I'll hit you when I can" never even thinking to lift a finger and dial those seven... "Oh baby I fell asleep" knowing I didn't give a damn in the first place.. I remember when you cared.. it wasn't that long ago.. you used to actually call and talk to me every once in a while... it hurts when people you could care less about or people I've never met face to face care more about me than you do.. I've hurt you yes.. and you've done the same.. that was supposed to be behind us now but some how i wake with tears.. each dream becomes a nightmare and i can't breathe while im surrounded with these thoughts.. Am I to be punished for the errors of my ways so long ago? why does this feel like revenge? karma back to bestow upon me the same pain... days don't end fast enough and weeks seem like months.. I feel like shit when my remedy is you..


I lie down.. head to pillow... gun to temple, firing off blanks with the clips still full.. my ears ring like a explosion hitting too close for comfort i wake each morning same time, different place, same bed... my life is functional.. don't you agree. I hate it all i'm so positively negative doesn't that make sense? I laugh at death and hate the sight of people smiling... my ear cells are dying a everlasting bombardment to my transformers pillow case.. cute? it's not.. I'm not i hate this all, the way you pucker your lips to kiss me makes my stomach tighten to a vomiting stage of expulsion... ignorance is a thing of the present in mind body and soul now.. how can i feel like a good person when I only wish I was toe tagged in a freezer. My only thoughts revolve around what? any and everything I'm not sure how to make them out but the things that are clear is that nothing in life comes free.. what am i talking about when love does doesn't it? hate does? emotions do? they don't? why not?


I look down at my phone and all I see is your face.. but not because your calling, you only do that when you think I'm upset.. well guess what.. yes I am upset, why do I have to push so much harder to get anything out of you when all I do is squeeze my emotions out pouring what I have left onto you because I want you to absolutely know what love is and feels like I don't want you to feel the way he made you but now I wonder if I'm just some object of approval that you truly are that amazing person I met so many years ago... I hate sleeping when I can't hear your voice when I can' see your face I'm so sick now when I've had a clean bill of health my stomach bubbles and I feel my mouth water.. my salivary glands swell as a sudden moisture erupts I can't stand to not have your warmth I have pictures to get me day to day but without you here... what do I have I'll do whatever it takes to have your hand in mine I love you but when you say it.. I just don't know... all these signs I thought were just in my head, you don't call me those names just Stephen.. you never say I love you first or even call or txt.. and now I don't know what to think

No Make Up

your face.. it alone can be the closest to perfection.. your nasal bridge to your philtrum your angle of jaw.. even your silhouette is beautiful but when your at your best is with no make up.. the rarity of seeing beauty in its purest form is remarkable catching your when you wake up.. a glimpse before you lay to sleep.. make up is the act of restoring a timeless masterpiece like the bust of nefertiti herself.. you are what i imagine God thought of when he created beauty.. nothing compares to a woman without make up to be able to see you flaws in the buff your tiniest imperfections make you that much more desirable.. your eyes without liner to your lips without gloss there is nothing better i appreciate your efforts to present yourself in a way that makes you feel beautiful but deep down remember that i love you no matter what and i love you the most with no make up.. to kiss you and leave lip from forehead with the taste of concealer.. but i do love when you kiss me you lips part from my own and i can taste those lips.. every inch of you can't be covered in make up and there isn't an inch of you i love any less than the next..

Take Me With You

Reach out to me.. press your hand to chest and push.. feel your way through my chest and feel my heart.. feel what my love feels like the way i wish you would.. i need you here but since i can't grip those fingers around my core and take it all with you.. it may look damaged but for you i've pieced it together i've had a lot of heartache so its had it up and down days.. i took the time to clear my thoughts and to forgive and get back each piece so i could present this whole to you.. i want you to have it a little piece of me so when your lonely you can hold it close and ill be close to you.. I'm whole now something I couldn't say not to long ago but some how you pulled me back.. I love you for that and ill remain this intact just as long as you love me too.. I'm not one to make a promise that I can't keep and I've promised to you i'd never hurt.. along with that i'll never leave and no matter what your friend is where i began..

Pale Horse

Revelation 6:8 - "And I looked, and behold a pale horse: and his name that sat on him was Death, and Hell followed with him. And power was given unto them over the fourth part of the earth, to kill with sword, and with hunger, and with death, and with the beasts of the earth."

look up at me.. im here for you with eyes to pierce through.. i ride in on her, my girl, my sidekick, my life.. she's pale of course only with the sun blocked out no chance for tan. we've had a long ride and she hungers for more but what she needs no life is spared no soul will endure.


with such images distorted.. my eyes can only make sense of what is to be seen.. shrouded in shadows how am i to make anything of this life when my vision itself is do i always seem to put myself through the same paces when i've learned my lessons time and time again but i always seem to ask those same questions that should be unscathed never brought to life yet i always make this same mistake of doing so.. maybe im insane with the need to always know.. enraged by the thought of being left out of the information circle.. out of the pow wow surrounding the brains wagon but why can't i just be who i was meant to be..i remember when i didnt care but now im such a fucking pussy about life like the head went the wrong direction so now im left with a clit.. im such a bitch now a days never being able to just live.. dont worry about whats all in the background be a man Stephen! and do it now before you drive yourself crazy.. stop thinking about what she's doing, you think she could be happy if she worried as much as you do.. is she playing you? nigga get a life how bout you go out and get yours and dont even worry about if she gettin hers.. 

Gentleman Of The Year/New Reniansance Man

I'd like to start this off by saying this has nothing to do with Ne-Yo but while a few sum of his songs may coincide with this Note.. 

I am.. a gentleman.. one that takes everything one step at a time never will i pressure just pace what may or may not happen with my life and in the traditional sense of courtship. while you may think this is a grand thing I take my role as being the one.. I repeat ONE good male you may ever meet but never the one that will end up with you. Merely a teaching tool a dividing rod to know if you are truly in need of such a romance in your life while in 2008 this has been pushed aside chivalry is not dead for I was raised to be this.. a young southern male raised on the east coast by southern parents hailing from Nashville/Alcoa, TN.. and now since you know where I am coming from I will continue to what my message is to tell and eventually unfold to my dilemma. I am.. the one who wants Marriage to support you and be a father to a child/children not be the male to run out on the responsibilities of the natural cycle of life.. with this fact known it would also mean that i am one not to be opposed to living a married life which in this day and age is why a gentleman will never prevail.. I am destined to be the one who wants to "wife" but never the one in your life.. there is nothing perfect about me and I will be the first to point out my own flaw and mistakes that I've made in life to which that list is quite extensive.. I.. Am.. a male that will just be your friend the perfect person to in a way test you to find the one soul mate you need and for those wondering what this means.. because I have said this more than once.. meaning that you can't play someone who knows that it is coming I expect to be played because each "relationship" that i have be the additional piece to i have been played in.. about.. 85-90% meaning that to date only 2 girls have not played me for whatever reason but after me there was always the modern male to swoop down and be the super man in life but never a man of steel just a male to be the stereotype of the one who will fuss..fight.. cheat and cuss but that is always the male that will be chosen right because you just love him so much.. its ok.. and on Oct. 9th 2008 i am saying that this is fine.. i've played the fool but will never play it again because me.. im a gentleman i won't be bitter or fight what has befallen me.. im like Good Luck Chuck.. Hitch.. or the Match Maker.. I'm just.. Me..

Wednesday, October 1, 2008


a pain.. forever stricken with this crushing of organs.. squeezed to expel all energy from limbs.. those attached to a already so lifeless body.. a corpse born.. maybe.. no thoughts.. just blank eyes.. you cant sink a boat without bottom you know? nor kill what is not alive. my heart could never beat.. my lungs never expand.. i cannot suffocate so my heart cannot collapse.. lifeless i lay this pain will not surrender its ongoing onslaught on whats left. was i ever born or am i still in womb.. eyes yet to open but someone cut the cord.. light shines through delicate lids and i feel the air though lungs they travel.. but my heart will not beat so this failure just begins.. the intravenous therapy tapped to sustain me.. in arm paddles to chest i hear the scream.."Clear!" the jolts surge but... flat line nothing.. they cannot reach me here.. 9 months she carried... no complications never a struggle not one.. but i was the one not ready for reality so my life was never to begin.. i am stillborn at 20 not ready for what must always pained.. never breathing still surprised by the smallest detail.. never won always lost a hare in the race against tortoises.. i rushed through.. now i lay ever daydreaming.. wondering where did it all begin.. so i close my eyes to sleep.. maybe one day it'll all make sense.. maybe and never