Rainy Days

It's not funny but I laugh more now-a-days.. my smile was taken I struggle just to fake a smirk crack the subtle crease of my own lips and try and reveal the last remnants i used to consider a life of stability.. sanity.. i've lost its warmth.. i stray to a darker place left with no sun rises, no more will i weep these memories they play constantly as though left running repeatedly, extraction.. all i have left to go.. remove the stress those who pushed me here must go.. i've pushed away as many as i can and pushed those i've loved back into the arms of the place that they will never prevail.. losing me.. im lost so never could another do to me what was done so long ago.. regret this.. never will you because you never loved to begin with.. I remain alone to protect those from the same fate that was bestowed upon me so viciously there was no remorse for me no brace for immediate departure just collision.. now the rain falls and my bones hurt.. my muscles ache but my nerves.. they don't react to the impact of tightly compressed water vapor heavy enough to fall back to earths surface. I remain persistent in one thing.. forever heartbroken i return to my core.. born this way to crawl back inside of me, emotionless i don't fear these rainy days how can i be depressed.. i remain heavily drugged a chemical induced emotional coma so nothing can get to me never penetrated by those words of I love you.. i will never believe you never trust you.. truth? sincerity in action.. utterance to whom? the eye of what beholder? i have no assured reliance on character no dependence.. you will never be to me who i am to you and i know this now.. you were my object of attachment..devotion..admiration but to you i was just that sexual embrace see you got the definition wrong and now these rainy days you hate.. you've lost me for good this time never to feel what dedication feels like commitment you have way for something that may have looked better but better in what sense.. you so easily romanticized blinded by the glitz the poems of love pressed against your own. forever out shined so how was i ever to believe i could come close so once again it rains.. life hits.. reality comes back to haunt and you leave again.. these rainy days they don't hurt so much anymore..