Monday, September 29, 2008
I may not be impervious to flame or be able to leap tall building in a single bound.. able to heal in seconds or even walk through walls.. but never the less.. I am a Hero.. and I'm here to save you.. I have only my 2 hands none extra.. I may be a mere build of an unimpressive 6 feet 167 pounds.. but I still have power.. the same way you have power.. the power to control a situation the power to change a life with words of encouragement and inspiration.. the way a loved one has the power to completely change a mood with just a look or even a gentle touch.. we all can do something to change a life..
As I lay me down to sleep I pray to God my soul I keep, and if I should Die before I wake I pray to God my soul he take.. I lay.. each not without a wink or glimpse of a break for slumber for my brain rattles and wracks itself for some proposal of what is to become of this life I was given. I wonder with every sin I commit I pray for forgiveness and try to outweigh those bad doings with a overwhelming amount of good.. I do not see myself as an entirely great person but i do my best to change my life and those around me for the best.. a positive way to think while this life around me seems to do nothing but crumble.. so I ask.. will you just talk to me.. tell me what it is that I am to do my lord and what direction must I take to move towards my true destiny.. I do not wish to believe that you do not care I have lead a life of many flaws.. and I believe that you died on the cross for my sins and rose again on the third, I have the faith of a mustard seed but all that still dwindles a bit in the wake of what life shows me on a day to day basis I remain true with a relationship with you I know my gift is this.. a gift to think outside the box and to allow my words to express mine own thoughts I am a child of yours and I ask you please.. Will you talk to me.. I beg of you to just show me direction lead me through this low time and give me the strength to go on..
Saturday, September 27, 2008
i saw you, you crept into my arms one day assuring me that this moment would never pass.. i let you in and vowed to never tell this tale again but once more i sit face buried in palm.. see the problem is that i was a shell of a man better yet a hell of a man a young one set to code of life and never would i include our love and categorize with strife.. thats just not me. i included you in daily routines never dismissed a back burner was for my friends i loved you and on me you could depend but then you made that mistake of my kindness for a flaw.. my initial way of going about this.. all erased once you came into this, never would i let my guard down, never have i been turned around by a pretty face, yea her hips swayed the shirt fell right nice above the navel and the jeans hit the curves like a car speeding down a winding canyon road..damn why couldn't i see it.. the tricks began the day we first met you knew who i was but i only knew your name so thats how it started that game you had the end in sight when i was thinking of a new start you already had a head one on me.. i started when the gun fired but when i realized what i had gotten myself into you were already at the finish.. you took a lot from me.. and i wont even talk about how i was left alone on valentines day gave you my candy heart and you said how much you loved the thought of a first real date but when you called me.. ha.. sick ok.. but when i saw you, you didn't look to opposed to sharing those.. i was so naive i even gave you the benefit asked you first your response was oh i felt better so i went out with the girls.. well if he was a girl then how the hell can i ever be your man? you laughed at my feelings like i was just to put on a show for your entertainment some powder make-up and a bright nose as well then? so now im left alone lost in what you've left me a clown with fake tears drawn to face.. no baby i can't be that.. too bad my emotional humiliation has already set in..
Life's funny that way.. how it always seems to pick out one person whose been stuck with a tragic heart and continue to release the hounds upon whats left of my vital organs.. why cant you just open up to me? if you want to make this work you have to let me in.. let you love me huh? i've heard that one before.. If you can't talk to anyone else you should be able to talk to me.. how do you expect this to work if you won't just talk? I've heard that one too.. this may sound familiar because i have no doubt that more than one of you reading this have either said or heard these exact lines.. and when i open up my past revealed letting you know how others have hurt.. and why i no long wear my hear on my my short sleeve graphic tees...soak that in will you.. naw.. never because that would mean respecting me and why should you have respect for someone you claim to love.. treating me with a little more feeling.. you know whats worse.. its always you who throws those "feelings" blindly into my already burning existence of emotional turmoil.. I love you. do you now? thats because if you remember ive heard this all before, oh right you didnt keep that mental note.. why hard press something so vital.. and after each piece of me left with you each and every one of you.. i can only break my heart down into percentages.. like my very own bodily pie chart of who took what and when.. you'd think by now i'd be a little bitter.. haha you don't know the half..expected to let go.. its life.. unpredictable.. im sorry.. dont compare me.. yea well you're the same taking a little more of me than expected i shut you out because thats my only defense.. boxed up chained up lock and key surrounded by an impenetrable force, my very own sci fi force field no photon torpedo's getting through this.. always thought i was so damn tough but for some reason you.. my weakness some how got through.. i would be wrong to name those who have left with a piece of me.. unexplained just packed up and left to drift a way in the distance.. me.. left balled up like a used piece of paper to which you would've initially written that "Dear John," letter... but.. no.. I'm not that low.. yet..
It's not funny but I laugh more now-a-days.. my smile was taken I struggle just to fake a smirk crack the subtle crease of my own lips and try and reveal the last remnants i used to consider a life of stability.. sanity.. i've lost its warmth.. i stray to a darker place left with no sun rises, no more will i weep these memories they play constantly as though left running repeatedly, extraction.. all i have left to go.. remove the stress those who pushed me here must go.. i've pushed away as many as i can and pushed those i've loved back into the arms of the place that they will never prevail.. losing me.. im lost so never could another do to me what was done so long ago.. regret this.. never will you because you never loved to begin with.. I remain alone to protect those from the same fate that was bestowed upon me so viciously there was no remorse for me no brace for immediate departure just collision.. now the rain falls and my bones hurt.. my muscles ache but my nerves.. they don't react to the impact of tightly compressed water vapor heavy enough to fall back to earths surface. I remain persistent in one thing.. forever heartbroken i return to my core.. born this way to crawl back inside of me, emotionless i don't fear these rainy days how can i be depressed.. i remain heavily drugged a chemical induced emotional coma so nothing can get to me never penetrated by those words of I love you.. i will never believe you never trust you.. truth? sincerity in action.. utterance to whom? the eye of what beholder? i have no assured reliance on character no dependence.. you will never be to me who i am to you and i know this now.. you were my object of attachment..devotion..admi
ration but to you i was just that sexual embrace see you got the definition wrong and now these rainy days you hate.. you've lost me for good this time never to feel what dedication feels like commitment you have way for something that may have looked better but better in what sense.. you so easily romanticized blinded by the glitz the poems of love pressed against your own. forever out shined so how was i ever to believe i could come close so once again it rains.. life hits.. reality comes back to haunt and you leave again.. these rainy days they don't hurt so much anymore..
Tuesday, September 16, 2008
i struggle to clear mind of constant images ever passing through my cerebral cortex.. as if my brain over flows with the reserve compartments of passed memories.. if only i could release.. take time to empty and sort.. throw away the bad and keep whats vital to me within.. i lose sleep, day after day.. i wake from swollen temples my thoughts pushing me to shake from slumbers sweet embrace. As i lay me down to sleep flip to the cooler side of the pillow and rest my face upon it i cant help but know that my sleep will be interrupted by both sporadic and periodic with each eye closed a sudden barrage of moving images whirl about like a movie played on fast forward and i can't find the remote.. why can't i control why can't i release..
Tuesday, September 9, 2008
There is no extent to me.. no point in which you can throw a pebble off my edge. No cliffs.. No broken canyon.. No narrow divide, immeasurable, undeniable, my emotions alone sum up to infinity more than twice and with each day of happiness I only grow in love.. You are what I’ve searched.. a locked eyed, on bended knee prayer away and you came to me like a dream in the nights air.. a winged creature come to carry me off an angel in your own respect. Unlike so many others.. flawed as we all are.. but in my eyes you are perfection.. I’ve held you once.. you were mine to keep and my mistake left you earth bound.. So I ran.. afraid of you.. of what I had done.. could my mistake never be undone.. could I never be where I need to be.. am I truly enough for you.. night after night I’ve contemplated.. fought with myself knowing that my life would never be complete again without you in my life so I did what was necessary to earn your love.. your trust in me that I shall never hurt you again..
Saturday, September 6, 2008
Bury all your secrets in my skin... come away with innocence... and leave me with my sins... the air around me still feels like a cage.. and love is just a camouflage... for what resembles rage again. So if you love me let me go... and run away before I know... my heart is just too dark to care... I cant destroy what isn't there... deliver me into my fate... if I'm alone I cannot hate... I don't deserve to have you... my smile was taken long ago... if I can change I hope I never know. I still press your letters to my lips... and cherish them in parts of me that savor every kiss... I couldn't face a life without your light... but all of that was ripped apart...when you refused to fight. So save your breath I will not hear I think I made it very clear you couldn't hate enough to love is that supposed to be enough? I only wish you weren't my friend then I could hurt you in the end I never claimed to be a saint my hope was banished long ago it took the death of hope to let you go. so break yourself against my stones and spit your pity in my soul you never needed any help you sold me out to save yourself and I wont listen to your shame you ran away you're all the same angels lie to keep control my love was punished long ago if you still care, don't ever let me know..
If you still care, don't ever let me know
If you still care, don't ever let me know
Wednesday, September 3, 2008
taken me some time to write this.. so bare with me..
It's been a while since i've felt this way but some how you've brought upon the best in me to feel as if there was no test to me that i could not accomplish.. with you i felt the urge to live to not give in to the sadness.. happiness.. a smile that could never be stretched across my face somehow you brought that to me.. confidence that i could do this and be what i knew i was all along.. i considered myself a bad person never caring too much what you people thought but you saw me for who i was and for you ill give him away.. no longer will i be Jaden.. he was too angry to moody and never knew what it was that lied beneath.. beneath it all there was still just me.. just Stephen to become who i am today.. you helped me.. loved me and for that i could never repay you but to you i promise my heart so whole.. i searched for myself and found who it was you so arguably told me i was.. i am just Stephen i can never be them and never be Jaden again.. a poet, a lover, a friend, a brother and a son to God along with my parents.. so knowing you've changed me will you truly just abandon me or is saying i can't just be your friend be too much.. i won't come in second or third or forth because i've let you in and made you my number one.. we fought it out a summer not wasted we accomplished what we set out to do.. you said you loved me and i doubted you clearly but inside i felt you didn't believe.. i got rid of my burdens no bags to this occasion just me to be there with you.. we can make it together but alone i fear i will only.. drift back, away so slow to where you found me.. i'm so lost unable to find myself but how when i am the map.. such a blind navigation but you came and brought that light to reach the next tunnel of life.. i've laid up waiting in sleepless insanity in the back of my mind knowing you weren't still here.. you left me i know.. but a piece of me you've taken because finding my heart was something you did.. that heart is now yours to me you can never return and after you if not you.. i will only be Jaden.. none will feel my warmth my bodies unnatural heat and a blistering cold is where ill remain.. after you there will be none and if this is the end.. the end of Stephen goes with you.. i love you i'm sorry i couldn't be enough.. i never thought i wouldn't be what you wanted and even our first meeting i wanted you only but if he is truly that great then how can i compare.. just know that i love you and leaving a love that you've found for me then a mistake was made and to you your happiness might never come back.. you've hurt me.. taken my beating core and now i'm left just lifeless..