Wednesday, August 27, 2008


When life give you lemons, make lemonade.. but what if I’ve developed an irritation to sugar? That leaves no way for me to make lemonade.  The so-called sugar substitutes don’t get the job done even splenda doesn’t do such a splendid job.. So where does that leave me.. the world itself is crashing down around me while I fell  I’ve finally gotten my self on course, but it seems as if the devil’s just trying to hijack my life and crash land me. I have faith and yes I’ve witnessed that prayer works but what is wrong that our prayers go unanswered.. I need you now more than ever but somehow my prayers fall short of the clouds above. Luke 17:6 says we should have the faith of a mustard seed but what do we do once we’ve begun to find ourselves without result.. 


I’ve kept my head bent, faced down the passing earth beneath my own two feet watching it swiftly pass with every step that hits unholy pavement. I’ve shielded my eyes from the harsh realities and tried to avoid each days brutal messages that we will not make it past tomorrow. Many days I’d rather look up at the suns violent rays to burn these fragile retina’s then to look straight ahead because it always seemed as if there was nothing out there for me. I’ve cried myself to sleep each night to release my pain only to wake to a new dose. Imagine waking to a tear soaked pillow morning after morning, cold sweat and heaving breathing added to this mixture, to wake another day with no accomplishments. So how does it feel to know that you’ve done nothing to better yourself and in the eyes of all others you are nothing more than a failure..


Many of you wouldn’t know it if it hit you but this is the reality in this statistical world we live in.. from birth a black male is just another to add to the prison systems.  But in 2008 we’ve received someone to look up to even more.. We’ve had our Martin Luther King’s, Malcolm X’s, Thurgood Marshall’s, and George Washington Carver’s.. yet somewhere we’ve still gone only noticed by our belligerent ways and not by the dreams we’ve set out to achieve. A man named Barack Hussein Obama decided to step up to this plate after victory in the U.S Senate in Nov. of 04 with over 70% of the vote he then knew his purpose. Shortly after he announced his presidential campaign to the world in Feb. of 07 where he emphasized withdrawing our troops from Iraq, energy independence as well as promoting universal health care.  His campaign slogan alone “Change we can believe in” is one that imprints a bit of hope in your hearts and minds that this may not be it for us.


This are my thoughts alone I feel that we need a president that can make a difference I’m not waiting for him to win this race because a change has already been made in America I won’t put all my hope in him to become some holier than thou savior for the urban community because it just doesn’t work like that. We just need the encouragement and influence to become more and he came in at the right time. I see now with my eyes open wherein years before I only saw where lies continued. I have the confidence in my family and in myself that this is no where close to the end and that I can make a change of my own if only I try, and try is what I wont stop at I will do something that matters in my life because I’ve gone so long with just getting by..


I pray that the patience needed becomes bestowed upon all that need it, a level mind be imprinted so that we can all see a little more clearly.. rain falls in a cycle to cool the heat and wash away the dirt and grime and like nature our own lives come with season’s of there own. Its up to us to know when to kick that prayer into high gear and know that we can accomplish whatever we set our minds to, that we are Gods people and in his favor. The devil strikes at you knowing that he doesn’t have you so the temptations seem greater than those who just do as they please but we stand in the light we radiate his love off of us and that angers the devil so he attacks. Be strong people this is only a season and we can make it.. don’t separate just yet ban together and make a lasting bond stronger than we have before.. we can make a stand.. we can make a difference.. we can make a change.. 

Tuesday, August 26, 2008


How many mistakes must one make before the lesson is learned? I’ve asked myself this very question since I could first decipher a logical thought. Life itself is a teacher and we the students are forever trapped behind the four walls of its... In a sense.. School. So if the lesson plan is everlasting when do we graduate to higher education? Never, and with that known how long will you sit complaining about the mistakes you’ve made knowing that only another lesson is to come. For those who are lost by now, this means that a mistake is a tool to teach. We make them throughout our lives to brace us for the next. And with each lesson there are consequences both positive and negative. With every action there is a reaction, you know the whole cause and effect clause we’ve all learned Newton’s law. The only way to avoid making the same mistake is to learn from it the first time. This may seem like a easy rule to follow.. Well unless of course you’re psychotic. Which in that case you would have an excuse. But for all others it may take you two or three times. But for me I’m a little in the middle I’ve learned plenty of lessons but like to test shark infested waters with a cut on the very tip of my toe.. You know to get the senses going.  I know better and I was brought up with the mind set that if I wanted it I would have it. But for some reason there was always one thing that I couldn’t quite grasp. It was this thing.. Cherished by so many but to me I just didn’t get it. I saw what I thought was it but then it would change to something a bit more sinister. I lost sleep over it and quite frankly I still do lose a wink or three. It’s called a dream. I’ve had them yes but for ever dream there will be a nightmare and while with some this sleep cycle will offer the good with the bad. My mind didn’t get that memo when I was born so I have a mental overload of the bad and what a fright it is. Each dream I’ve had I could be someone else, somewhere else not this life of mine (not that I can complain much my life is better than many). But where my dreams would falter was where the mistakes come in. Example one.. In a dream you can be anything. Mistake one. In reality this just doesn’t work too well. Consequence one.. my nightmares became my reality once I forgot that all dreams are ones to accomplish and most are just a mental block from reality to escape the pains of life. So what is my lesson? To escape my nightmare by any means necessary. Secondary lesson is to learn how. This is the tricky part but bare with me. If you live but never really have your eyes open then what are you exactly? A sleepwalker I’ve been that the majority of my life passing through on the jet stream successes of others and the hand outs from the rest. So what I’ve recently learned was.. to just wake up. Tell my mind to be still for the dreams were getting overcrowded as I was constantly asleep just living but never letting these dreams out. The years of pent up bliss and happiness and somehow in 2008 they finally get to roam. I’ve learned to deal with what I am, who I am the nightmares are gone living a half life asleep at the wheel watching my mouth move but never being able to control what came out. That time is over twenty years have passed and my mistakes may out weigh my accomplishments but I make my stand to change that for my next forty, fifty, sixty years will be spent living for what life is. Where I can’t take back my mistake I can learn from them.. because that’s why we make them right?

Monday, August 25, 2008

Media Comparison... Can I?

I never thought i'd say this again, write this again, but as many attempts i'd failed but here i am again.. i've struggled in thinking this, writing this, and many times ive just Ctrl+Alt Deleted this, but once again its just me, just us that i think of my very alice trapped in a wanderland (Kelis), but always there when im feeling illmatic (NaS) ,afraid to fall dangerously in love (beyonce'), and ive never given you reasonable doubt (Jay-Z). 

What i thought we had was true love and ive hesitated to write this but again i do. Do you know what my feelings for you are.. purer than the purest water a purifier could ever create out of tap.. with you my thoughts never began to just.. but to attach a ring to the finger beside your pinky to fill the air with the sound of bells you dressed in all white make-up smeared down your beautiful face for the day God had given was your special day.. there's something about you that my mind could never shake never could my eye's produce another face but yours.. i look deep into myself and i feel whole and when i look in the mirror the lies ive told myself are getting old i can't love.. LIES ive told.. i love you and that will never get old, from years that've passed the feeling only increased only got stronger through the turmoil and the pain that i put you through i would understand you leaving this is impossible.. but to you im asking for a chance not to be yours, no commitment but to a chance to remember me when your out, need that comfort im but a phone call away.. if you want me to come visit im but a key, ignition, and foot pressed against accelerator.. im asking you to not just let the memories of us just fade away remember the time we shared the late nights we stayed up listening to one another breathe afraid that pushing that end button would end more.. in the morning a quick txt "good morning love" was all i need thoughts that all that we'd shared was true.. why can't i shake myself of you.. i wish i knew but im in no rush to remove my thoughts from you.. God brought us this far so lets prove to him and everyone else that what we had/have is still true.. i love you

Red or Blue Pill

life is strange now
its like im stuck in the matrix
constantly duckin an dodgin them agents
till i lose my patience
can i jus erase this
or will it all just cause a disturbance
can they sense my presence
they think i am but im not the one
but why not when i shine bright as the sun
my potential is limitless
all strength no weakness
one fear to fail
damn now im not feelin to well
is this height to great
will this decision seal my fate
no try, try again
theres only now or never
so when u think
its only heaven or hell
now u not so cleaver
float with clouds or be thrown in a well
but me i control my destiny
everything thrown just a test to me
cut the strings
so i cant be pulled
i have but one gippetto 
cant tell one lie
cuz my nose might grow
u always wanted to be a real boy
but im not pinocchio
im not too new to town
just late putting my feet on the ground
now im back on track
aint no one pullin me down
i got my own free will
or is it my will to bend
the will to choose
how my story ends
red or blue pill
do you want the truth
whats the purpose in life
do u foreal want proof
is it wife and kids
or spend ur life makin kids
7 baby mamas
yea its ur grave u dig
why lead a sinfilled life
on satans side
only to his games youll bind
to wake to nothingness
is the fate youll find
so choose that pill wisely
will you be a machine of the darkness
or a soldier for zion 

Used & Abused

What should I do when my tears no longer fall down this weather beaten face.. When my heart stops.. and my blood no longer flows.. how do I find the gall to speak with no air to travel through these withered lungs.. im suffocating with a respirator on.. maintained life but only here to sustain for what purpose? why help the unwilling to live when i myself no longer see my own reasoning.. i understand nothing and everything with my eyes wide open i remain here for the purpose of accomplishment a destiny still unfulfilled my my life and reason for living is only to achieve this and only this.. I live a purpose driven life not one rendered by the hands of the damned it is my life used to influence those around me negative or good I live to change I speak to let those unwilling have a voice through me a vessel for the weak or frail.
I am used for a reason but the reason you've used me is not my purpose of life..

Wonder Why?

You wonder why i don't express my so called feelings.. but emotions are worth more than just something to sprinkle around like a seed to be planted or why i run away from a so called "good thing"? My life.. a difficult one caught a little between heaven and hell since birth with a piece of both embedded within. you tell me "baby trust" and "I'm not like other girls" but what if i listed the names of those who made the same claims to in the end get me where they want for a month of sundays if not a bit longer but when that sun sets.. and i look at the horizon then back to you.. i see bags and your back with no explanation but all fingers pointed at me. see society shows the male being the one to sit back. scavenge and prey on young woman but there are those of us just waiting for the right woman to search for them.. for me.. what about the other predators in life's field? those hurt young woman whose hearts have been grasped and crushed by those who only want relations the ones who somehow are all that this world sees and glorifies to be what young men should aspire to become.. but why?! i have lost a lot and made my peace and apologized for each time i slipped i am only human and i make mistakes but should my clout and integrity be judged for those slippery paths? so if you know me and wonder why my hearts still broken and my heads hung so low think back at a time.. where i used to be and dont just wonder try and open yours arms wra your arms tights because im still hurt..

My Heart...

As my heart lay there dangling from the once proud pedestal i call my chest.. with the superior vena cava and aortic arch severed there is now nothing attaching me to this.. "thing" but time itself.. ripped from my chest, still beating feeling the blood struggle to flow through my left and right ventricle unaware it is no longer my own but it struggles to survive long after me.. i separate myself from it to lose emotion for with these arteries still intact i may fall victim once more to the words of the sweetest of lips slowly persuading me to open my... but how i once wore my heart on my sleeve will i ever again or how can i without a heart at all.. you want my heart ill give it to you, yours to keep but not with me attached i'm better than that i refuse to let myself be led astray the way adam fell for eve.. the serpent is to blame for humanities faults for he knew that the power of woman was strong enough to change an entire race God let this happen as a test.. all the greatest conquerers, adventurers, all brought to there knees and ended by this power so why should i? why would i knowing where my fate lies.. why i ask myself.. because without woman there would be no man.. my mother birthed me raised and took care of me despite the help or lack there of from a fathers hand.. without woman this world this existence would cease and peace would be only a dream never a reality.. you see with woman leading our great men, beside our great men and us beside great women we can change this world from the lonely rock it is and move onward to achieve these dreams one at a time.. so i chose to let my guard down to find a woman to hold my heart within her safe the way she holds my rib within.. i search for a soul mate to be my wonder woman my leather clad savior when times get rough.. she will save me.. i will love her.. so take my heart i need you to need it.. to want it and to treat it how i could never.. show me the love i could never.. and i will return it 10x and be your knight in shining armor.. your man of steel.. you everything.. if you'd just have my heart..

Just a Male...

You may see me as just a male.. The reminisce of a soulless shell whom none can fill.. I’m not hollowed out and I feel pain I don’t fake tough I expose my faults, mistakes, flaws and all and for me to sit here and say that everything is alright would be the largest of lies. So to you I won’t hold this back I sense there is more than just a subtle disturbance in the force and the problem in my life has begun with you. By now you think I may be contradicting myself by appearing to come off a bit more heartless than I suggest. You are my problem but not one in which I do not accept my problem is that I love and my words counteract my actions for when I write it I show it resulting in.. You guessed it.. Me doing it. But that’s where the real hurt begins for me I can smother you with the glorious words from which my vocabulary can muster to celebrate my love for you but do you deserve that from me? I throw my love at you like a angry child throwing a temper tantrum but why? Because you don’t love me.. You may love the way I talk to you and the things I can do but the problem is.. You don’t love me. You say what you want to defend your emotions but the feelings you’ve shaved off me like years wasted away withered to the floor like the skin peeled off a potato and you still expect me to try at this.. I understand that your hurt and that love you once had has be spread to thin across the hearts of the undeserving.. They hurt you not I but who is the one to feel the wrath of the loveless woman? I am.. I admit I’ve lost love and loved lost causes but I love you with the fragmented blur of what I once called my heart but one thing I do not do is bring baggage. It’s unfair. It’s not fair. Life’s not fair.. why can’t you love me? Because I’m not capable of loving either. I now know that.

The Journey..

I Believe that i was born with a purpose the destiny to change the lives of everyone i meet if it may be in a positive or negative light the change itself is key. When darkness holds you at peace like the warmth of your mothers arms slowly rocking you into that sleepless insanity, No dream nor nightmare the existence will never enslave my hopes and goals they are those of vision, I no longer yearn for the bittersweet taste of eternal darkness, i sit here constantly decieving ever telling tales always lying pulling that cloth over your eyes and never letting you see the real me you see im not who you see me as im not hard nor tough im emotional and weak a sheep like the rest but i can talk tough like the best im a sheep in wolves clothing letting you only see what i wish you to see but never in the end letting you see the real me but today im taking off my skin revealing the real me and showing you my true face and bareing my soul pour the black blood from these veins or the lack there of im calling on his name the almighty the man above for i know hes been watching and knew i would pick this path but let me choose to see my journey as it comes to its end ive spent to much time but wasted the time i didnt have to spend but its not too late because i know i can call on him to help me through and to help my story begin so im saying this im a sheep in wolves clothing but a wolf no more today is where that ends and my real life begins..

I have to...

I have to…

Why is my life any more valuable than those of the slain? The streets… this is the 2nd coming of sorts. The dark ages revamped and remixed for the 21st century… lonely times bodies line blocks covered with white sheets on black tar soaked in blood sweat and tears of those who weep… wet cheeks of those who cry but how long will the R.I.P shirts go worn when another shattered body is laid down to rest almost daily? The majority of dreams fall short, pushed back, slowed then finally halted in the graves of every major city in the US… and what makes my dreams any more potent or protected? Why should I prevail where so many others failed? Because they didn’t make it so I must I wont be another statistic to fall face down body riddled with piercing words stuck to the pavement.


I was born, called and answered… since the womb prepped to achieve, Me = blessed… talented the ability to express where others struggle to just barely let lungs compress and expand resulting in the cause and effect of exhale and inhalation which we call breath… Never will I let any trip, stall, or hold me down he built me up from clay and breathed life so that I could have the free will to be who I am every life given the choice separating humanity from animals despite the recent belief that blacks were lower than the molecular composition of the canine genes we have evolved and battled to reverse the views of this world by leaps and bounds with our own contributions to history as well as in 2008 with the first black presidential candidate and lord willing the first African American president in November.


 I myself have strikes again me in society as a black male under 25 where this economy is faltering to a rumored recession I will make that my strength I refuse to be a modern day slave working 50 years for a fraction of the revenue net worth of some billion dollar company ran by old money white collars. I am determined for greatness to achieve it. It took time for the sun to pierce my lids and my mind cleared of the constant failure fed to me that I will never become anything that I wasn’t focused enough my attention span too short if I didn’t want to then I wouldn’t do. I am thirsty now parched for life and the only way I will achieve is to get it myself my first milestone accomplished I made it passed 18.


I thank every teacher who said I had potential and even more those who said I won’t ever result to anything. I thank my parents for pushing me for never giving up for the times where I said I didn’t care, why try? When all my life seemed to be a struggle but look how much I’ve already accomplished… I thank my siblings for setting examples to Jasmin for being there for me every step of the way my partner in crime… 20 years later we’re still here, always keeping me level uplifting me and encouraging me that I can do it I’m not there pop it but I’m on my way.. to my friends you know your names no need to shout out your already tagged… and a special thanks to the doubters, haters, nay sayers... Without you I wouldn’t be as strong as I am today… So why will I achieve? Because I have to…