2010

2nd post of 2010 how could i allow such time before re-introducing myself? but if you've read these before i need no introduction.

My Frustration

I dont know any other way to express it than this.. i am frustrated, angry, irate, livid.. what do i have? what can i show for in this twenty-one years? lost my house, my job, car in the shop, not in school. so what do i have? i have my life, no criminal record, never in my life have i dishonored my family, i have love, hope, a backbone to never back down, pride that wont allow me to accept failure. I made it to twenty-one, ive traveled outside the country, multiple states, yes i am a black (african-american) male but i am in no way a stereotype equipped with more potential more imagination, more talent than a self-made millionaire and more creativity than half of these multi-platinum artists. with all that you ask why am i in this rut even with this economy i should be making money easily utilizing what was given to me God-send and heaven bound im not cocky or over confident knowing what i am capable and meant for is something ive had time to imagine and make steps toward fulfilling.

Contradict

Why would i do this to myself unwilling putting myself in a loveless positioning where my heart can only be poisoned by false hopes, false truths this is not where i am to be, dying slowly lost at sea the tears have rolled down and filled this abyss where my heart could not this is the end my love, the end of us, the end of me. i pushed but never could i be what you wanted only what you needed speechless my love has exclaimed to you that id be any and everything you wanted but the contradiction not what you needed.

Playing With Fire

Fear.. Was and always will be the destroyer, I didnt choose this, my existance wasnt meant for this, i dont belong here.. My hearts heavy now sinking below towards stomach to mix with bile slowly to be vomited with the rest. emotions run deep to root me where I stand stuck in a battle my heart is with fire, how beautiful your flame as i am drawn to its glimmering embers. If i touch then i will be burned though i am still drawn, still wanting to reach out. I think i love you..

Awake

The night is only a sort of carbon paper,

Blueblack, with the much-poked periods of stars

Letting in the light, peephole after peephole

A bonewhite light, like death, behind all things.

Under the eyes of the stars and the moon's rictus

He suffers his desert pillow, sleeplessness

Stretching its fine, irritating sand in all directions.

Over and over the old, granular movie

Exposes embarrassments--the mizzling days

Of childhood and adolescence, sticky with dreams,

Parental faces on tall stalks, alternately stern and tearful,

A garden of buggy rose that made him cry.

His forehead is bumpy as a sack of rocks.

Memories jostle each other for face-room like obsolete film stars.

He is immune to pills ( red, purple, blue )

How they lit the tedium of the protracted evening!

Those sugary planets whose influence won for him

A life baptized in no-life for a while,

And the sweet, drugged waking of a forgetful baby.

Now the pills are worn-out and silly, like classical gods.

Their poppy-sleepy colors do him no good.

His head is a little interior of grey mirrors.

Each gesture flees immediately down an alley

Of diminishing perspectives, and its significance

Drains like water out the hole at the far end.

He lives without privacy in a lidless room,

The bald slots of his eyes stiffened wide-open

On the incessant heat-lightning flicker of situations.

Nightlong, in the granite yard, invisible cats

Have been howling like women, or damaged instruments.

Already he can feel daylight, his white disease,

Creeping up with her hatful of trivial repetitions.

The city is a map of cheerful twitters now,

And everywhere people, eyes mica-silver and blank,

Are riding to work in rows, as if recently brainwashed

Death of Me

How could you? Slit my wrists to pour out my life.. peel my skin back like sleeves to reveal the real me. what am i to you? in your eyes a mask is what i wear to hide the truth. Open up my chest my spine tells my title a story written my be with no illustrations im complicated so not many will understand. break my ribs as easy as you flip to the next page reach in.. your into the book now embrace the story it tells but youve never had it like this.. break them at angles so i feel that burn.. puncture deep with the tiniest hole to pierce veins first and watch me bleed slow..

A Kite's Last Flight..

You've let go, a kite let loose to fly amongst the clouds little was known then that there was no wind to lift with, so stuck just slightly above the ground is where it stays. Time passes the ground crashes forward, its falling failing to fly as you wished. The problem with flight is that you did something none thought was possible you gave an inatimate object a heart, the ability to love then thought unconditionally and more feeling than it could handle. So with heart filled this kite is too heavy to lift so here now is where it must stay down to earth waiting for you to come retrieve. Its easy to create but destruction is done with no effort at all left behind expected to learn to fly on its own. So much put in bringing love to just discard left tossed to the side wishing it could just fly away but unable not knowing how or the meaning confused alone its now raining tattered paper in which you used to craft slowly the rain pierces. New emotions are shrouding it now in darkness all it wants is you but your warmth is no where to be found why was it made? how can it adapt or survive this cold world is nowhere for a kite the sky is where it belongs and the only way it will ever reach the heavens is through love or destruction which have you chosen for its fate?

So shrouded in defeat yet its dance is with disaster the only one who can have it is the one who must destroy, you who have taken my very heart from chest it cannot be returned to sender i have lost it and away with you goes my ability to feel we could not share our hearts instead you gave to me nothing and took everything so what am i to do maybe lead my life in false flings? i dont have that heart but now a heart i dont have i can't keep this up a smile without purpose nothing behind it but shattered possibilites and a dim future. Ive wondered if I was worth this life? I have been reckless and my actions at times hasty i was a liability i know that now but behind this mask i am not an animal behind my flesh i am nothing more than a man i have bled for my mistakes and laid awake hours wandering mind unable to rest what is it that i wished to unlock when so much of my worries are unknown to me. I've lost all but my life at this point so you would believe me to be grateful yet i stand here unable only wishing for the past to return yes those who dwell in the past are doomed to repeat but your worth the twilight zone never knowing up from down just to erase this frown you act like none of this really mattered so was our time a false blip on your radar i meant nothing that your heart can cover it all with dirt and lay me to rest? i feel for you more than i have for myself in the past a force to drive me to do right and be better, do better, live better i even meant it as literally as one could that life without you was no life for me a mistake i brought upon us now im just down, out barely here, thoughtless, loveless, no direction i pray that things look up for one whose sins as deep as my cuts to prove that i cant win for losing. I had so much planned just for all of that to crash and burn i can't hate you for what you have done to me so don't be ashamed. you say its easier to hate me well for me its easier to love you its less energy to just accept the fact that i am in love with you then to fight it. before you i did not know how to love and thought i had loved before you only to be proven wrong never had i meant "I Love you" until I uttered those words to you, Ive put myself in your shoes and instead of impose my own expectations i adapted to you so that you could better me and understand how you felt just to see how i could be loved back. I attached no stipulations to my love i wanted to improve your life our lives always myself around you to show you comfort so that you could be the same. even now i love you and expect nothing in return but i knew you loved me then now its just a pain for you to even speak to me.

So with all this said you created what you could not put the time to see mature this will be this kite's last flight.. no goodbyes.